TRANSCRIPT:

When you go through a crisis, or an initiation, or a dark night of the soul, it’s like the primary material of your unconscious is really on the surface of your awareness. And so all of these layers were bubbling up as I was sitting at the lake. And the deep freeze of my nervous system, the deep feelings of abandonment, I was just holding it. Wasn’t trying to get myself out of it. I wasn’t trying to numb myself. I wasn’t trying to make anything different. I was just simply being with this deep freeze in my nervous system; that through the initiation of his heartbreak, was revealing deeper to me that the layer of freeze I had in my system.

So through this abandonment, through this heartbreak, all of the layers of the abandonment of my psyche were revealed to me, all the way back. And because I went deeper, it went all the way back, all the way back, all the way back… to like my birth trauma. And in that I got to see the wiring of my nervous system, of my attachment wounding that I hadn’t been able to see in its full entirety until this heartbreak. Because it just hadn’t been the space. It hadn’t been a condition of a space for it to reveal.

So as I was sitting there at the lake, it was like, okay, all the way back, all the way back, you know, to this, to this little, frozen, little, tiny girl in me that had lived at the core of my psyche for the whole of my life. But in this moment, it was coming into consciousness. It was coming into awareness. So there was part of my psyche that was wired for abandonment, that was wired in abandonment, that was wired in the freeze and the terror of abandonment, and in this moment, through the heartbreak, it was coming to the surface for me to hold, to heal, to reveal, to love, to weave back into my being.

And so as I was sitting at the lake, there was one day when I was sat there and I was really feeling the stories were coming up:
“I’m always, you know, I’m alone. Nobody loves me…”
Like all of these stories. And then I just looked, and it was really in my nervous system as a freeze response. And so there was nothing that I could do, but just let myself feel it and let it be revealed to me. And so as I sat there, this was probably the most healing moment that I’ve maybe experienced in my whole life. But the leaves on the trees just started to move, and the sun was glistening on the lake, and I can feel it in my body, as I’m telling, it makes me want to cry. And I started to look around. And it was in that moment that I really started to see the, for lack of a better word, the Goddess. And I started to see her, and I started to feel the frequency of the natural world through matter in a way that I’d never, ever felt it before. And I’ve spent a lot of time in those 13 years in nature, but because I was so broken in my nervous system to the place of this really deep wound being really on the surface, it was like this transmission of love of the Goddess through matter could come into my nervous system. It wasn’t just a concept, because we all know that. I mean those of us who are awake and walking the path, that the world is living and the world is love, the Earth is abundance, and she’s forever giving. But it was in that moment that I felt it somatically, in a way that I’d never felt it before, because it went into the deepest place of the wound of my psyche. And as I felt this, I was like:
“Oh, there is no abandonment. You’re there.”
And as a spiritual concept, we know that we’re woven in this web of love, but to really receive that in my nervous system, on a somatic level, absolutely has changed, not just in a somatic level, but into the place that was my deepest wound.

So in my deepest wound, I see this transmission of love is always here. There is no abandonment, because all that there is is love. And as I received that, my nervous system just melted, just unfroze, and I received that transition.

So this, because I’ve been as I had the resources, because it wasn’t my first initiation, because I knew how to navigate the depth of my unconscious. I knew how to alchemize my pain body, and knew what was happening in my nervous system, and I could just allow the process to be. I wasn’t, like I said, I wasn’t numbing. I wasn’t trying to avoid or distract. I was just allowing it to happen in its purest sense. That deep medicine, I received that deep medicine.

Something that I’ve always known, but this transmission from the Earth that I received in that moment to the place of my deepest wound has allowed me to even more deeply feel: my freedom. Because if I wasn’t willing to feel the depth of this abandonment wound on a somatic level, if I wasn’t willing to go there, if I’d have experienced this heartbreak and numbed out, and gone out drinking, or gone out partying, or got into another relationship… (and I, you know, I did go out partying in the process, and that did help, but I always came back to my process.) But if I’d really just hooked on those things and not been willing to feel the depth of this feeling, then I would have been masking over this very vulnerable, very deep wound of my psyche and my soul. And I would still have been entrapped by my unwillingness to feel the depth of that wound. But because I went there and because I allowed myself to feel it, and I allowed myself to sit in it, and came through the other side, by the grace of God and the natural world, to receive like the deeper level of healing. Like, that deep level of healing that opened me into:

It’s totally okay to love to the depths that you love, because no matter what happens, no matter who you love and who walks away, there is no abandonment. There is absolutely no abandonment.