A story about Fierce Loving

April 1, 2022
Kate Joyner

I’m at Theatre Lab, developing a character as part of the term’s process. I’ve got a plastic gun in my hand, I’m wearing some silver platform heels and a short sequin dress, some glittery tights and a black wig with red lipstick and black eyeliner. 

I look a little like I should be auditioning for Kill Bill. 

I’m pointing the gun at the wall and I’m opening up my emotional channel to be able to bring the full force of this character through and I touch upon hate. So, I roll with it. I’m letting the full force of my hate come through my body, into the plastic gun and I’m shooting at the wall whilst uttering some of my deepest poetry. 

The river of emotion gets stronger and stronger and I switch into full assassin mode. 

My whole body comes alive with energy and I’m heightened by a state akin to desire. I feel the full force of my pure primal power. The life force is coursing through my body, raw and wild. I’m electrified, feeling totally penetrated by God or my own divine will, and then I have a holy shit moment. 

I realise that the experience I’m having in my body through the channel of my ‘hate’ is the exact same experience I have in my body when I love. Because the experience I’m having in my body is nothing more than life force: pure erotic life force. When we take away the labels and come to the sensation, the energy of any emotion is life force.

And then I broke into tears. I cried and cried and cried because in that moment I felt the depth of my WILL TO LOVE. 

Recently, I shared my experience of coming to feel the full force of my will to love. It’s pretty vulnerable to share as I admitted that I came to this place through accessing my ‘hate’, eekk! And well, hate is a pretty taboo emotion, because if you want to have any friends or be liked then you have to be nice, all the time! Right??!

It actually takes a really deep level of vulnerability to come into relationship with what you hate, because it points to the place where you’ve been betrayed and those betrayed places contain your original innocence. 

So in a culture that is anti-life and anything innocent, the most revolutionary act that we can do is return to the place of our innocence and make a stand for that place, because innocence is the pure essence of life and love.  

But the point here is not so much about hate, it’s about the alchemical process of what happens when you access these raw baseline emotions. You get to turn them into fire. And your fire, my people, is what you need to love. 

In my short life experience of loving, I’ve come to see the force of love is both cosmic and animal. We’ve been offered the more cosmic version because we’ve come from a life line of disconnection to Soul or the Feminine or any sort of relational embodied relationship with Earth herself. 

But what I’ve been shown is that if we want to bring the love of the cosmos into this existence, we need a shit ton of fire. So the question is, where does our fire come from?

The raw baseline emotions of our hate/anger/rage/despair are, you know, all of those yummy emotions that have been shunned to the dark corners of our existence. Juicy news: by unleashing the life force of these emotions we do the deep alchemical work of cultivating our fire. 

Now, some of you who are more spiritually inclined to all things light and beautiful might have some problem with hearing the word hate or even revelling in the image. Hate is probably one of the most taboo emotions!!

But let’s get real, it’s an emotion and we all have it. If you haven’t felt hate then it’s probably down there in the dungeon of shadows covered in a layer of shame. It actually takes a lot to be able to consciously come into relationship with your hate.

So it’s a tricky one, because this emotion is so taboo it gets hidden, but when it’s hidden is when it gets acted out unconsciously and when hate is unconscious, it’s dangerous. When we come into conscious relationship with our hate it’s actually the source of our will. 

Stephen Buhner in his book “Ensouling Language” says that unless we are in connection with our hate daily, then we will never write a book. And I agree. Why? Because our hate is our fire and we need our fire to get shit done. Owning our fire side is actually part of the path of coming into our power. When accessed consciously, our anger and our hate are in service of our will to do great things in the world. And when we can bring that juicy raw energy into consciousness then we can align it with our heart and become the force of nature that we were supposed to be…

With consciousness, our will and our love come into alignment and from that place we can move mountains, or write a book, whatever we want to do. 

So, tell me, what’s the difference between loving and killing?

The feminine, the connected heart of our pure will. When a woman comes into her fierce wild nature, a love like that will kill the world as we know it. It will force those with guns to lay them down and remember love.

If you had the power to love so deeply, where would you aim, shoot and fire it?

 

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