Once you’ve found her, you’ll never want to let her go.
For once you’ve found her, the true meaning of all of your existence will fall into place and it will all make sense.
Then your whole world will be turned upside down because you’ll realise your whole life has been based on a lie. A box, a prison that was slowly constructed for you along the way.
Finding her is just the beginning.
You then have to go about deconstructing, sometimes ruthlessly destroying all that wants to keep her boxed in, both internally and externally. It’s a tough path, you’ll lose things along the way, people won’t recognise you anymore.
You wont recognise you anymore.
Somewhere along the way you’ll fear that you may never come back, ever again. It wont make sense for a while, it will hurt like hell, you’ll be opened to feeling beyond the scope of your own body. The earth will cry with you.
At the bottom, when there is nothing left to hold on to, maybe, if you’re graced, you’ll hear a whisper, you’ll get a feeling, you’ll spot a sparkle in the corner of your eye and you’ll hold onto it. It will resonate through your whole being but you wont be able to make sense of it yet. You’ll just know you have to hold onto it. You’ll want to visit it every day, you’ll want to tend to it, like it’s the most precious gift on this earth. Because it is the most precious gift on this earth. For a long long time now, you were told it wasn’t, but that’s part of the lie.
Down there at the bottom you’ll know that to be true too because you’ve seen past the lies. You might still be caught in the lie, you might still be in some torn-down-by-the-wraths-of-rage-and-grief box, but its composting now, soon enough it will be gone. You must hold on to what you found down there, come back to it, listen to it deeply like it’s the truth, because it is your truth.
You might think you’re crazy at first. You might not know if you can really trust what you’ve found but something keeps pulling you back and you keep listening. Slowly your eyes start to open in the darkness and you realise you can see all of the wonderful treasure you always wished would be gifted to you. Now you see it as your own.
First you might not believe it is for you. You’ll unwrap things you’re not sure you’re capable of holding, you’ll undo ties to lies. You’ll be gifted with treasures you’re not sure you’re worthy of owning. But you are. They’re all for you. You were born with them and they’ve been waiting all along for you to come back and reclaim them. You’ll dance nervously at first, you may even fall over them and land flat on your face, but you’ll get up again. And again.
You’ll be standing at the bottom and far off in the distant sky you’ll see a star shining. You’ll know that you have to move towards that star so you begin the long climb. Sometimes the star will disappear, especially when there is too much light, so you’ll know to wait in the calm of the dark, which has now become more than any friend could be.
Sometimes you’ll lose sight of the star but over time you’ll know its there even without having to see it. The closer you get the brighter it gets, the bigger it gets. It consumes all of you, it becomes the only thing that really matters. The more you walk, the bigger your footsteps become. You come jingling with all of the riches you’ve found, like an earthly market merchant from the middle east, you’ll carry all of your treasure behind you. The more you walk, the stronger you get, and you begin to realise that you can hold what you’ve been given, you do deserve to have what was yours to begin with.
The box has gone now, you can only vaguely remember its comfort and you offer it up to the enormity of what you’ve now stepped into. You start to wear the jewels, until finally you’re not carrying anything behind you because you’re wearing it all. You are the jewel. You’ll dance a little more and cry a lot harder. You’ll see the hurt in each human heart and know how to talk with animals. You’ll make love with trees and be born in the ocean. And then finally one day you’ll reach the star and you’ll know, you’ve reached the rest of your life, the day you’ve brought all the treasures of your darkness to the light.